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It has been pretty busy for the past couple of months.
Every September, when summer vacation ends, people return to “reality.”
Kids go back to school, work picks up again, and the expenses show up in your bills. Stress runs high in the household, and everyone is running low on bandwidth.
More couples are coming in, not because of this alone, but because it amplifies the underlying issues that have been lingering for years until they become too much to handle.
Especially in HK, people come in when there’s a relationship “fire,” and we can only fight the fire as much as we can.
Unlike in the UK or the US, where therapy culture is more popular and common, people there come in for “fire prevention,” which means they’re eager to learn about relationship red flags, their causes, the application of healthy habits, and so on.
In contrast, many people here wait until a problem is at its peak. Expecting it to get resolved at that point is a big ask.
Couples come in saying, “We’re just too different!”
Yes, most couples are like north and south.
It’s instinctive to be attracted to people who are very different from us. We deeply want a partner who demonstrates qualities we don’t have. For example, if you’re a “sniper” who tends to observe, is patient, and prefers to see the big picture before taking action, you may find yourself with a “door kicker” who is courageous and acts promptly, and vice versa.
It’s rare in my practice to see two people who are very alike.
After all, we wouldn’t want to marry ourselves!
You may say, “No, no, no. We always look for someone who isn’t too different from us. We’re looking for compatibility.”
Yes, but compatibility is very different from similarity. We surely want people who align with us in values, lifestyle, and stage of life, but we don’t want to marry ourselves.
Because of this, according to Gottman’s research, 69% of couples face what are called perpetual problems, i.e. gridlock problems that can’t be solved because of the individual differences we were first attracted to.
Here is the predicament:
We’re attracted to people who are very different from us, magnetically, at the outset.
Then, in the limerence stage, which we usually call the honeymoon phase, infatuation and passion are intense. We’re chemically affected by dopamine, which clouds our reasoning.
We knew he had boundary problems with other women, but we found it attractive.
We knew she didn’t cook or do any chores from the outset, but we thought, “Hell yes, she’s beautiful, and of course she won’t do these things.”
Later on, these two decide to live together, not to mention marry each other.
To this day, many of the couples I see ignored the red flags they noticed before they committed. They started with the infatuation and affection I described, then wanted to create a life together, expecting things to change after they committed:
The woman believes the man will suddenly hold boundaries with other women after they’re married. Or the man thinks the woman will cook and do the housework once she becomes a wife.
Then reality kicks in.
Two completely different people, with different upbringings, personalities, communication styles, and educational backgrounds, want to form a life together. Add external factors on top, such as financial, work, family, and parenting stress, and it can feel very heavy and suffocating at times.
I have seen many couples devote 100% to each other, sometimes 120%, overdrafting from their love tanks in the hope of satisfying their partners, yet their own needs go unmet for a long time.
Why? Because we can keep giving and giving what we believe is important, while our partner feels exactly the opposite.
Common examples: a man loves his partner so much that he wants to solve every problem for her, while she just wants him to listen and make her feel heard. His fixing makes her feel broken and not enough.
Or a man wants space, freedom, and admiration. When his partner’s motherly instinct kicks in and she wants to take care of him by constantly checking in or asking how he feels when he’s down, he may simply want physical touch or words of affirmation. Instead, he now feels caged, as if he isn’t trusted or admired for being able to handle things on his own.
They may stay because of the sunk cost fallacy, or because they’re too afraid to be alone. After all, it’s the fear of an uncharted sea we can’t fathom.
From here, only resentment builds.
Resentment fuels the fire. When that happens, yes, what we can do is put out the fire. Sometimes it takes a long time just to put out the fire in therapy sessions.
Rebuilding the home takes tremendous strength to get back up. That means recovering from the aftermath of the fire and looking after your well-being first.
Once you’ve recuperated, are sleeping better, and are eating better, you have the capacity to move forward and identify where you want to go: whether to rebuild the house with your partner, go separate ways, or move into temporary housing.
In a nutshell, whatever the outcome, if the fire hazard isn’t identified, you’ll bring it with you to a new home.
The fire doesn’t cease simply because you end the relationship and meet a new or “better” partner.
You bring YOU with you.
So prevention of fire, fire education, and the practice of healthy habits to preserve the home are still needed.
If you’re struggling in your relationship and want to gain clarity on your next steps, book a consultation with me.