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In the last article, I talked about how people handle stress differently.
If there are love languages for how we receive and express love, there’s one for stress, too.
When we’re stressed, it’s easy for us to alienate ourselves or disengage from our partners. But for some people, it’s the opposite: they’re desperate for closeness, whether that’s wanting to talk, to hug, to be heard, or even to have someone to lash out at!
Let’s talk about the first scenario:
We don’t want to engage with our partners because sometimes it’s so stressful that we don’t want to stir up another argument. We just want to avoid it AT ALL COSTS. It can be so hard that we just want a breather.
Without that space to breathe and recover, we’re highly likely to catastrophize the argument further.
But the act of disengaging or shutting down can, in fact, look like we’re withdrawing from our partners. It may feel very threatening and unsafe for our other half.
We give ourselves a pass when we want private time, but when our partners want the same, we feel lonely or left out, and we may pursue them by pushing and forcing a conversation. Or, on the contrary, we might think, “I have to do the same, so he/she can feel how I feel!”
So we punish them with the silent treatment.
An eye for an eye!
Certainly, this will only exacerbate the relationship stress.
The first thing we want to do is put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. In fact, we also have moments when we want a breather. We want to be alone and gain some clarity.
The most challenging question we face while we or our partners are taking this break or space is: are we still good? Is our love still there?
We want that reassurance that it’s okay to GIVE and to TAKE a break.
We have a saying in Chinese: “Do not do to others what you do not want others to do to you.”
So here’s what I’d suggest: do for our partners what we’d want them to do for us. Give them space by acknowledging what they need: “It seems like it’s hard for you right now. I’m here for you. Let me know how I can support you when you’re ready.”
And if you’re the one who needs the space and time, don’t just leave without saying a word. They may think you’re giving them the silent treatment! Tell them you need some time to gather yourself so you can communicate with them calmly and with composure, and that you want to hear all about their day, too.
Just a phrase or two is enough, and even better: give them an approximate timeline, say 15 or 30 minutes. You get to decide.
What about those of us who want to pursue, force a conversation, or lash out at others when we’re stressed?
It’s even more beneficial to take a break and release that energy in a way that actually helps.
We know lashing out can feel better in the moment when we’re stressed, overwhelmed, or angry, since the pent-up energy has an outlet instead of staying trapped.
But it doesn’t really help in the long term, as our relationships take the blow. And when this habit becomes ingrained, it can, in some cases, escalate into physical violence.
What I do with my clients is help them manage their state.
State management is the foundation of emotional regulation. It helps us gently shift our nervous system to feel safe again, so we can see and interpret the situation with more clarity.
When we’re under stress, we’re like animals in the forest: always cautious, always looking out for threats. Everything seems to be coming to get us, including our partners.
And if your partner is lashing out at you, you can also set healthy boundaries by saying, “I know it’s hard for you right now. I’d love to revisit this with you when you’re feeling better.”
You can set the expectation that you’ll be there for them when they’re ready, and suggest that your partner take a break while you do the same.
The better the state we’re in, the better our chances of resolving a conflict. We want to be ready to address the issue eventually.
What we can see, then, is that state management is the foundation of both emotional regulation and conflict management. These are all tools we want to acquire and develop in our toolbox.
If you want to equip the skills to manage stress and your relationship more effortlessly, book a consultation with me.