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We live in a world surrounded by people we deeply care about.
Family, friends, partners, children…their pain affects us too. Because we love them, it’s not easy to simply say, “I don’t care.”
So naturally, many of us become overly involved in other people’s lives.
We offer unsolicited advice.
We try to fix their problems.
We convince them to do things our way.
Sometimes, we even take on responsibilities that are not ours to carry.
We believe we are acting out of love, and often, we are. But there is another side we rarely acknowledge:
Sometimes, our “care” is driven more by our own discomfort than by the other person’s needs.
We try to fix people because we struggle to sit with the pain of watching them struggle.
When someone we love is suffering, failing, anxious, unhealthy, or making poor choices, it activates something within us. We feel uncomfortable, helpless, afraid, or out of control. So we step in, not only for them, but also to ease our own emotional discomfort.
The difficult truth is this:
When we constantly rescue people from discomfort, we may also rob them of the opportunity to grow.
Pain, setbacks, frustration, and emotional discomfort are often the very experiences that create self-awareness and change. Emotions are not meaningless; they are signals from the mind and body that something needs attention.
Without experiencing consequences, reflection, or discomfort, many people never reach the readiness required for genuine transformation.
As a therapist and coach, I’ve learned that lasting change rarely happens because someone else forces it. Real change happens when people become internally ready. When they find their own reasons, they become willing. Only then can support, tools, and guidance truly help.
This realization forced me to reflect on my own relationships.
In the past, especially with my parents, I often gave advice from a place I thought was “care.” As a fitness coach and therapist, I wanted them to exercise differently, eat healthier, and think differently. But the conversations often felt tense.
Looking back, I realized something important:
My actions were driven by fear.
I was afraid they would get sick. Afraid they would suffer. And deeper down, afraid of the pain I would feel watching it happen.
That question became a simple filter I now use often:
“Is this coming from love or from fear?”
To me, love and fear create very different behaviors.
Fear controls.
Fear pushes.
Fear becomes attached to outcomes.
Love, however, creates space.
Love listens with curiosity.
Love respects another person’s autonomy.
Love offers support without forcing.
This doesn’t mean becoming passive or indifferent. It means understanding the difference between supporting someone and taking over their responsibilities.
I see this clearly in parenting too.
As a mother, I am responsible to my son, but not responsible for his emotions, thoughts, or behavior. My role is to guide him, structure his environment, and show up as the calm, steady adult he needs.
But I cannot remove every uncomfortable feeling from his life.
When I take away candy or stop him from doing something unsafe, he may cry or become upset. My job is not to eliminate those feelings. My job is to help him move through them safely.
I remember feeling extremely anxious taking him for a vaccination. Every instinct in me wanted to remove his fear and discomfort. But deep down, I realized I was trying to fix my own discomfort more than his.
Real care was not making his feelings disappear.
Real care was staying calm enough to show him that difficult feelings are safe to experience, and temporary.
Big feelings do not need to disappear. They need to be cared for.
The same applies to the people we love.
We do not help people grow by rescuing them from every challenge. We help them grow by supporting their ability to face life themselves.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is stand beside someone, hold space for their experience, and trust their capacity to grow through it.
If you want to learn more about how we can truly love, you can listen to the full podcast episode here:
And if you want to feel more confident and gain tailored tools to navigate your relationship, START HERE with me.